Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Feigning friendship, Forgiving people

Recently I was in  a group discussing  on human relations. There was no restriction on topic. But, there has to be some take aways and they should be backed  by examples.

One started off with smoking , the obvious cancer issue and the ways to control smoking at home, workplace and why gathering courage to confront  a smoker if he/she violates a public rule. In the middle ,there was a query by a woman, on how to tolerate friends who have ditched her. It would have been very interesting to see how psychiatrists, mothers, teachers   handle that question.

Many in the group stressed on the importance of forgiving and forgetting . 'Move on' - was the message. Why unforgiving hurts was well articulated by one friend, by stressing on the psycho-somatic side effects.

I begged to differ.

Forgiving is not  easy.  It is by reiteration , emotions are kindled - for good or bad. Conscious forgetting is again a futile attempt, to erase something from brain's circuits. Again an impossibility, unless brain's circuits fail.

'Let us not swim against the current' - said I. 'If a boy has outraged your modesty, get angry wtih him. Show him the doors. Let him know you were upset. '

By the same token, I said to a boy who also got up on this arguement , ' if a woman unjustifiably did a character assassination on you, take her upfront. Don't take it timidly to show you are a gentleman. Nothing is important than self respect. Show her the doors , from your contacts and from your friendship. Simply she does not qualify to be your friend. '

A mother smiled at this statement and said " Sir, you are making things worse. Kids cannot focus on studies , if they are filled with animosity. For their own good, let us coach them to let the bygones be bygones. Let them move on"

"You have got me wrong, Madam" I said. " I am not asking them to brood over it for ever. All I am asking them is not to fake their emotions. Let them say upfront that they are upset and show their displeasure. Afterall,those who have erred need to expiate for their deeds. If they do not feel sorry, simply you are letting them to go ahead with their bloated ego. There was no friendship in the first place. It was a misjudgement by both"

" No" She argued " It could be a spur of a moment, an upset mood, a physical issue that bothered him/ her. Surely , they would have regretted"

" Not actually. There must be an ulterior motive to say a hurting word. If they do not find it obviously, they should dive deep. Could be a hurt ego, an insecurity.. whatever. I stand by my statement, there was no friendship in the first place. It was at best an acquintance or familiarity. Years do not matter. "

" Can you prove this, Sir?" she was a bit amused. For her friendship over years mean time has made it stronger.

"Sure" said I, " It took 23 years to find that what I considered a friendship was just a matter of sitting in a class together. Not even one friend came forward publicly . in support of me when my character was called in question. That does not mean I don't communicate with them. Just mentally kept them in their rightful place and have moved on.

I take calls, call people, text people, but avoid meeting anyone now. I go all out to meet my real friends. Who knows, some of them may also fall out tomorrow. I too may fall from their list."

When we were leaving, the lady came with teary eyes and said " I hope I am able to find out what hurt me... it is my pretention that nothing has hurt me/ forgave someone who hurt me; actually inside me, I have been feeling sad."

"Yes." i said " No need to feel sorry for you either. Shed all the unqualified relations and move on".

My friend and I walked  towards the car parking, the night's silence only broken intermittently by frogs croaking and insects buzzing. He broke the silence " Alright, people said "Move On!" and you also say " Move on!". What is the difference?"

As his car responded with a beep and flashing the lights for his remote, I said " They asked to feign as if nothing had happened and move on, I say, tell the world  you are hurt , react and then move on. You don't  have to die a hundred deaths everyday within you, for smiling outside once a day"

No comments :